2013 Senior Roast - Part 3

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Part 3

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Mr. MistoffeLee

The Cognizing Brat

(Old Possum's Book, "Mr. Mistoffelees")

You ought to know Mr. MistoffeLee!
The Integral Cognizing Brat—
(Ev'ry Tutor agrees about that!).
Please listen to me and don't scoff: all his
Interventions come out of his hat.
He's the Brat who edifies anywho,
With his dialectical derring-do,
By producing pellucid conclusions,
From his classmates' exotic confusions.
At philosophization
By a sheer coup d' main
He'll defy controversion
And persuade you again.
The greatest logicians have something to learn
From Mister MistoffeLee's Cognizing Turn.
Presto!
Away we go!
And we all say: Oh!
Well I never!
Was there ever
A Brat so clever
As Logical Mister MistoffeLee!

His manner? Restrained and aloof,
You would think there was nobody shyer—
But I have it on evident proof,
He can sell anything to a buyer.
So with contracts and concepts his meat,
Who can doubt this magician must flower,
On the strength of each fabulous feat,
Of his vast intellectual power!
Come, let us bedizen his all-worthy brow
With laurel wreath, fashion'd from bay leaves
And let us invite him to take a deep bow,
Our Integral Answer to Thales!
Who, not long ago, with a quizzical smile,
Drew plus quam Drosophilae out of a vial!
And we all said: Oh!
Well I never!
Was there ever
A Brat so clever
As Magical Mister MistoffeLee!

Mendoza, D.:

The Mystery Brat

(Old Possum's Book, "Macavity: The Mystery Cat")

Mendoza, D.'s a Mystery Brat: he's called the Tutor's Bane—
For he's the Disappearing Act that reaches a new plane.
He's the bafflement of everyone, the Registrar's despair:
For any time the roll is called—Mendoza, D.'s not there!

Mendoza, D.! Mendoza, D.! His place in class? A cavity!
There's nothing holds him in his seat, he breaks the law of gravity!
His prestidigitations would make a fakir stare,
For though sometimes his work appears, Mendoza, D.'s not there!
You might see him at a social, you might see him anywhere,
But any time it matters, then Mendoza, D.'s not there!

Mendoza, D.'s a comely Brat: he's not so thin, but tall,
No one would overlook him in the street or lecture hall:
His brow is deeply lined with thought; he has the student look:
He dusts his coat with blackboard chalk and carries round a book.
He props his chin upon his fist, like something from Rodin,
And for plausible excuses, well: Mendoza, D.'s your man!

Mendoza, D! Mendoza, D! There's no one like Mendoza, D.!
He's Aristótle's Aporia, Actual Vacuity.
You may read his Senior Essay or address his empty chair:
For to all intents and purposes, Mendoza, D.'s not there!

He's outwardly respectable (he never soils his hands),
But he's never left a footprint on the Program's level sands:
Is it mental elevation or a spirit über-free,
Or succumbing to temptation or fore-fashion'd Destiny;
Is it pre-procrastination or a second life somewhere?
By some won'drous un-monstration, Mendoza, D.'s not there!

Kristopher "Nimbleshanks," Macias:

The "Railroad" Brat

(Old Possum's Book, "Skimbleshanks: The Railway Cat")

There's a whisper round the lab at 8.31
When the bench-work's ready to begin,
Saying "Nimble where is Nimble, is he fooling with some bimbo?
We must find him or we're screw'd again."
All the Brats and the Tutor and the Orellanas' daughter,
They are pacing to and fro,
Saying "Nimble where is Nimble—let us hope he's really nimble—
Or this Senior Lab is toast!"
By 8.45 the experiment is 'stew'
And the lot of 'em are pissed to a man;
That's when "Nimble" tip-toes in, with a sickly sheepish grin,
sayin'
"Oops! Lost the keys to m'van!"
Well, the fists'r clenched at ev'ry bench
At another class done in,
And the thought wells up, like a toxic stench
Railroaded by Macias again!

You may say that by and large it is Macias in charge
Of the Senior Lab's distress
From the Tutor to the Brats to the enterprise at large,
He will sabotage them all, more or less.
Down the corridor of fate, ten to twenty minutes late,
He advances, ever cheerful, to his Hour,
Ah! It's useless to resist, he's a walking nemesis,
The Brats-paw of malignant higher pow'r!
Are your fruit-fly counts all shrinking, is your culture dry and stinking?
Is that FlyNap that is fouling your food?
Well pass the word in quiet, we don't wanna start a riot:
"Shit happens!" means "K.M. is on the move!"
Ev'rything just tanks with Nimbleshanks
He's the Brat that cannot be ignored,
'Cause ev'rything goes bad in the Senior Lab,
When Macias is aboard.